[QOTW] QOTW Honorable Mentions, March 27, 2005

[Quote of the Week]

This email represents a bumper crop of Honorable Mentions.  Most of them
originate from a small town just outside of Philadelphia.  Before we get
to those, though, I present you with this week's HONORABLE MENTIONS -
NON-SWARTHMORE DIVISION:

"My mother told me that because I have red hair and my last name is Kelly,
I don't have to wear green on St. Patrick's Day." -Michael Kelly, on
forgetting to wear green on St. Patrick's Day as a child
"I thought that I don't have to wear green on St. Patrick's Day because I
have blonde hair and my last name is Wells." -John Wells

"I don't want classic hips; I want child-bearing hips." -Micheline Heal
"They don't have plastic surgery like that for your hips.  You would have
to go at it from the inside and pound them out." -Emily Hall

"Cool!  Just don't get involved in any racqueteering; the Feds might
squash you." -Mr. Harsanyi, on Ben Miller's involvement with the Boston
Tennis and Racquet Club

"Warning: Life's a joke.  Seek alternative route." -Road sign in London

"I wonder if there is a reason why 'crotchety' and 'crochet' are spelled
so similarly." -Emily Hall, on old age

"When you're not wearing your glasses, you look stoned.  When you are, you
just look confused." -Sarah Gulick, to Miles O'Connell

"Is it old... or is it historic?" -Michael Kelly, on an old table amidst
Harvard's Collection of Historical Scientific Instruments

"Why would you have a hacky-sack?  You're not a stoner teenage boy."
-Hazel, to Sarah

"'Please drive carefully through the village.'  That's quaint village
slang for, 'DRIVE SLOWER, DAMN IT!'" -Andrea Lam

"They're basically the same pitcher.  Left-handed, fastball, breaking
ball, splitter.  I mean, take [David] Wells.  Anchor his feet to
something, then rope his hands to the back of a car, hit the gas, a couple
feet later and you've got Randy Johnson tied to the back of your car."
-Ben Miller, comparing Opening Day pitchers David Wells (who is rotund)
and Randy Johnson (who is tall)

And, the HONORABLE MENTIONS: SWARTHMORE DIVISION

This week, QOTW was inundated with quotes from Swarthmore College of
Swarthmore, PA.  These quotes make varying degrees of sense to us. 
Cumulatively, though, they paint a picture of a raucous and depraved
campus, overrun with debaters who will stop at nothing for a cheap laugh
and a dirty prank.  To be honest, that kicks Swarthmore up a few notches
on my personal cool-meter.  See what sense you can make of all this.

"You watch NASCAR and they've got Penzoil, and I've got nothing!  They've
got sponsorship!  I want to be able to say, 'This lecture brought to you
by Salvador Dali." -Alexander Williams, Swarthmore semantics professor

"I guess you gotta start with a ten gauge and work your way up."
-Alexander Williams, dropping his brand-new foot-long chalkboard eraser

"I'm clearly not man enough to handle this stapler--I mean eraser.  I love
staplers." -Alexander Williams, dropping the eraser for the third time

"Does piss-disking have a hyphen?" -Sam Asarnow.  Piss-disking is the
practice of freezing a disk of urine and slipping it under someone's door.

"She's probably piss-disking Sam." -Molly, on why Trude had not yet
arrived at the debate meeting
"That's how [the] Peaslee [debate society] worked before nobody came to
the meetings.  Put that in the minutes." -Chris Segull

Trude: "The judge just vomited and passed out right in the middle of the MG."
Garth: "I pictured it as one motion, like, blaaaauuughghghghg."

Jawaad: "Is there anyone we like running for office?"
Garthur: "Oh!  Me!  Me!"

(QOTW would like to note that the previous quote doesn't seem particularly
funny to us--although it was surely hilarious in context--but we have
decided to include it on the grounds that it features an individual named
Jawaad and another individual named Garthur.)

"Are you kidding?  Austria's the prison bitch of Europe!" -Brazil

China: "The Russians won't get anywhere, we'll stop them."
Germany: "If by 'we' you mean you and the British who just betrayed you...?"
China: "By 'we,' I mean ONE BILLION Chinese."
Germany: "Ahhh."

(QOTW wishes to emphasize that it does not understand exactly how the
countries quoted above were able to converse, but we're fairly sure it
involves Swarthmore College, and probably its nefarious Peaslee debate
society.)

This leads us into our final quote of the week:

"Have you ever been to Pennsylvania?  It's not part of this country."
-Jenny Oberholtzer

-QOTW Management